Defiance
by Lecanis
Summary: Defiance in the face of a fate we can neither accept or deny is natural, and comes in many forms. Iruka might just have chosen a form that will save him, if he's very lucky. KakaIru
1. Chapter 1

Defiance: Chapter One

"I think you're sexy," came the voice from behind Kakashi, and he knew that voice, but he couldn't have heard the words properly. He turned slowly, his instincts sharp even in the relaxed atmosphere of his favorite bar, to find that indeed the man behind him was the prim-and-proper Academy teacher he had thought the voice belonged to.

"You do?" asked Kakashi, caught off guard. He was wearing his uniform, like he always did, and he didn't think he looked particularly sexy in it this evening. Or ever, really.

"I always have thought so," the Chuunin continued, his voice even and calm, as if he were saying nothing of any importance at all, a small smile on his face.

"So why are you telling me this now?" Kakashi asked, raising an eyebrow at the younger man.

The smile didn't waver, nor did the voice, but the words that came were, "I fully expect to be dead in a few days, and I thought I might like to take a chance on something." Kakashi sniffed the air. Definitely no alcohol on the man, and he would be able to tell, even though the whole bar reeked of alcohol anyway. No one short of an Inuzuka or his own dogs could beat Kakashi's nose. "Iruka-sensei, why do you expect to die?" he asked quietly, shocked. Umino Iruka was not a man who went on dangerous missions, nor did he seem the type to suddenly do himself in, and he certainly didn't look ill.

"I can't tell you that. It's not the point any way. The point is… I've always thought you were sexy, and I want you, and I'm hoping you're not busy tonight," the man said quickly, his words running over each other in a way that Iruka's never should.

Kakashi was fully perplexed at this point. He knew the man in front of him was Iruka-sensei, by every sense he had, including his intuition. This was Iruka, and yet he wasn't acting like Iruka. Could the idea that he was going to die really make him desperate enough to stoop to propositioning Kakashi? "You know, there are a lot of people you could have any time you wanted. I know men and women who have been after you for years," Kakashi pointed out.

Sighing, Iruka turned away, rubbing his hand across the scar on his face shyly. Apparently his boldness had worn off, and he couldn't hold up the façade any longer. "Forgive me, Kakashi-san," he said politely, turning to leave.

Kakashi's arm snaked out and caught Iruka's, and he found himself saying, "No, I'm free," and walking out of the bar with the other man. He didn't have any idea what was really going on, and he wanted to know, and the teacher was a nice-looking guy, even if not Kakashi's usual taste.

Later, with the surprisingly muscular Chuunin spread out beneath him on his bed, Kakashi was glad he'd changed his mind. Iruka's dark hair had been freed from its prison and fanned across Kakashi's pillow, and his skin carried a flush of arousal that was far sexier than the shy blushes Kakashi had seen from him in the past. The only flaw in the picture to Kakashi's eyes was the strip of black cloth covering eyes Kakashi knew to be very expressive, but it had been Iruka's idea to wear the blindfold. He wanted Kakashi to kiss him, he'd said, and when Kakashi had refused on the grounds he wasn't willing to show his face, Iruka had readily offered to cover his eyes.

Looking down at the man below him now, Kakashi regretted his own obsession with keeping his face hidden, because he wanted to meet those expressive eyes, was tempted to ask if Iruka was sure this was what he wanted even now, wanted to know exactly what it was that had brought them to this point. Instead he simply touched Iruka, delighting in the soft sounds of pleasure the younger man made, and even when he knew he should ask… Kakashi didn't, entering the other man carefully without double-checking that it was okay, without asking for a verbal permission when he had the physical one of spreading thighs and thrusting hips.

Kakashi heard a moan escape his own lips at the heat and tightness that surrounded him. He couldn't believe a man who picked up random strangers at the bar could really be this tight, and it reminded him who he was with, how amazing it was to have this particular man approach him in such a way. Then his thoughts were gone as Iruka relaxed and then tensed deliberately, and Kakashi had to exercise his best control not to orgasm immediately. He held still until the edge retreated, then started thrusting, slow deep thrusts that made him feel as if his world had always been this moment, this rhythm.

He couldn't bear it, in the end, the imperfect view of his partner's gorgeously expressive face maddening. He reached up to loosen the blindfold, panting, "Look at me, Iruka."

Iruka opened his eyes slowly, almost reluctantly, and there was confusion in those deep orbs for a brief moment, following by understanding, and finally, nothing but bliss. He reached his hand down to pump his own member in time to Kakashi's thrusts, but Kakashi took it away and replaced it with his own, and Iruka had nothing to do but enjoy, his eyes meeting Kakashi's mismatched gaze. He came with a loud cry, his back arching in a way that broke Kakashi's rhythm but sent sparks roaring through him, and it was that sight of the proper, cute, shy Sensei in full abandon and passion that drew Kakashi over the edge.

Kakashi didn't know what he expected after that, but it certainly wasn't for Iruka to pretty much immediately try to leave. "Thank you," Iruka had said, earnestly and intensely, and Kakashi had once again been completely thrown by the complete change in the man's manner.

"Please, just stay the night and have breakfast in the morning. Otherwise I'll feel bad about it," Kakashi said, pulling Iruka back into the bed. The Chuunin had looked at him strangely, but said nothing, and simply arranged himself into a comfortable position for sleep, not touching Kakashi at all but not moving away when Kakashi rolled closer to him.

Breakfast was a strange quiet meal, and Iruka-sensei was very polite and very proper throughout. It didn't add up, and Kakashi didn't like things that didn't add up. Once the teacher was gone, having begged off as soon as possible in order to get ready for school, Kakashi spent a very long time thinking about how he could figure out what was wrong with Iruka, and how exactly to help him get back to normal. Even if "normal" meant not doing things like having very enjoyable sex with him.


	2. Chapter 2

Note: For Lost, I'm too impatient and just put things up. Thanks anyway, though, and I'll probably bug you in the future. :P

Thanks to everyone who reviewed so far! I feel loved.

Chapter Two

Kakashi's first stop was the Academy, just to confirm that Iruka-sensei was indeed at work. That was easy enough to find out considering Iruka had his class outside doing weapons practice when Kakashi arrived. The Jounin watched for a couple of minutes just to be sure everything seemed normal, but it did. Iruka's students showed an obvious mixture of mischief, respect, fear, and quite a bit of affection for their teacher.

After the Academy, the next stop was the Hokage's office. Tsunade was busy with paperwork when he arrived, Shizune standing over her shoulder watching her work. It was a pretty familiar scene for anyone who spent much time with the Hokage, and Kakashi smiled briefly before remembering his business. "Ah, Tsunade, I have a bit of a concern I'd like to talk to you about," he said, trying not to fidget. He had to play this just right or she'd think he was only being nosy, he figured.

Shizune arched an eyebrow, and Tsunade waved her away. "Go find someone else to boss around for a bit, this is obviously important business for Kakashi to approach me himself." She sat up straighter, showing that despite her appearance and reputation she did take her duties as Hokage seriously when it was vital. "Now, what's on your mind?" she asked, waving Kakashi to a chair.

"A fellow shinobi was acting strangely with me last night, and made reference to the reasoning being that he was going to die," Kakashi said flatly, figuring the best way to do it was just to be straightforward. If he kept it impersonal enough, then maybe she would accept that he had a right to be concerned because it could affect the village. "If it's a medical concern, you are of course the best person to deal with it, but then you probably already know. However, my concern are things like mental instability or a lack of confidence in an assigned mission, both things which could cause significant damage to Konoha."

Tsunade leaned forward in her chair, resting her chin on her hand. She examined Kakashi carefully, taking in cues in posture and body language since his face wasn't really an option. "If you have such a concern, you need to tell me who it is we're talking about so I can look into it," she replied.

"Umino Iruka," replied Kakashi.

"And how was he acting strangely?" Tsunade asked, watching in amazement as the great Sharingan Kakashi actually fidgeted.

Kakashi wasn't sure what to say here, for several reasons. He'd thought up a few plausible lies, but knew that any aid Tsunade could give him wouldn't amount to much if he wasn't honest with her. Still, he didn't want Iruka to think he was the type of man who would go around talking about him behind his back after sex, and Tsunade might be the Hokage, but he wasn't sure she wouldn't blab it. "Rapid changes in intimacy and familiarity, moving in and out of his usual polite demeanor, and acting outside of his normal moral code," Kakashi replied finally.

The Hokage's eyes grew wide, and she smiled in a secretive way that meant she probably knew exactly what Kakashi wasn't saying. "Okay, I'd say that's sufficient reason to worry, especially when it comes to a man who works with children. As far as I know, there is no reason Iruka should believe he is going to die. He hasn't been treated for any injuries or illnesses recently, and he doesn't have any assigned missions at the moment. Which leaves a psychological issue, either of the self-harm or paranoia variety, which I'll have to look into myself. Thank you for the warning, and you are dismissed," she said, gesturing for Kakashi to let himself out.

He wanted to argue, but there was a finality in Tsunade's tone that didn't leave much room. It wasn't often that he was reminded of her age and experience, considering her appearance, but this was one of those times. He rose and left, bowing stiffly, in a manner that actually reminded the blonde-haired woman of the exact man they had just been discussing. Once Kakashi was gone, she leaned back in her chair and sighed, wondering what exactly to do with this situation.

Tsunade had known more than she was telling him, Kakashi was sure of it, but the question was what and why she wouldn't tell him. Granted, it wasn't really his business, but she could at least have admitted to already knowing something about the situation. He would have felt better knowing it was actually mission-related or an illness, because the idea of Iruka losing his mind was just too scary. If Iruka could lose it, anyone could, because the Academy teacher was the most stable and dependable human being Kakashi knew.

That was the crux of his problem, thought Kakashi. If it had been any one of his Jounin buddies, or anyone he knew from ANBU, he wound have known exactly how to deal with the situation. There were protocols for dealing with such things, and among friends, often even those were passed over in favor of simply knowing what was needed in the moment. Kakashi had technically done the right thing by going to the Hokage in this case, but he also wanted to find out what was going on himself, because Iruka had involved him in it, and frankly, he actually rather respected the uptight teacher, after having spent so much time dealing with him over their mutual students.

Sighing, Kakashi went off to find something to occupy himself for the day, considering he was supposed to be recovering from yet another chakra depletion issue after his last mission, and thus training was out. He found himself at the bar way earlier in the day than he'd hoped, sitting in a corner by himself with a drink and his favorite book to keep him company.

To his complete shock, the very object of his distress walked in about an hour after Kakashi's arrival. He was accompanied by a young woman that Kakashi thought he had seen around the Academy. For a moment Kakashi wondered if perhaps she was the next person on Iruka's list of people to sleep with before he died, but as soon as Iruka saw him, he excused himself and headed over. "Kakashi-san, can I join you?" he asked politely.

"Of course," he replied. "Can I get you a drink?" Iruka nodded, and a few moments were spent getting that out of the way, and then they sat in silence for a few moments. Finally, Kakashi resorted to a jibe to break the silence. "I figured that girl you came in with was next on your list," he said lightly.

Iruka looked at him, puzzled. "List?" Then understanding dawned, and he laughed. "It was a really long list, you know, it had one person on it."

Kakashi was actually a bit taken aback at that. "Really? Just me?"

Iruka nodded, blushing. "Don't take that the wrong way, Kakashi-san, I'm not trying to date you."

Kakashi felt himself grinning under the mask, involuntarily. Silly Iruka to think Kakashi would think that. Silly Kakashi to wonder if it would be possible, now that it had been mentioned. Still, there was something more at stake here, he remembered. "Iruka-sensei, are you sure you can't tell me what's going on, now that you're not busy trying to get me into bed?"

Iruka blushed again. "It doesn't matter, really," he said, turning to look out into the crowded bar. "You always sit in this same corner, and I think I know why. You can see the whole place from here."

Kakashi thought for a long moment, but couldn't remember seeing Iruka in this particular bar before the previous night. "How did you know I always sit here?" he asked. "You don't come here, do you?"

Iruka laughed lightly. "I do, actually, but you probably haven't paid much attention to me. If you saw me here, it was probably with some of the other teachers. I don't think we move in the same circles."

Had he seen Iruka and not even noticed him? Kakashi found it hard to believe, looking at the man now, seeing a depth in him he hadn't noticed before, and realizing just how luscious the particular tone of his skin was, and how cute he was when he smiled. "I suppose not," was all he said aloud. "And tonight? What are your plans?"

Iruka turned to look at him again then, surprised. "I don't know, honestly. I hadn't planned on talking to you, I'll admit. In fact, I was half tempted to bolt when I saw you." The blush was back, and Iruka was rubbing one hand over the scar across his face. "I behaved very awkwardly this morning, didn't I, Kakashi-san?"

The other man sighed, running a hand through his messy silver hair. "Iruka, you're behaving very awkwardly now. One doesn't usually speak quite so politely to someone they slept with just the day before, even if it was a casual thing. The world wouldn't end if you called me 'Kakashi' and I'd really appreciate it."

"Kakashi," Iruka said nervously, and once again Kakashi was amazed that this was the same man who had been so passionate last night. "I'm sorry. I don't do these things."

"No, you don't." Kakashi replied, frustrated. Why couldn't Iruka just tell him so he could get it out of his head and get on with his life? It wasn't like Kakashi was going to follow him around bothering him about whatever it was, though of course if there were something that could be done, he would try to do it. Sighing, he finally decided to just get the stupid question out of the way so Iruka could either hit him, talk to him more naturally, or leave. "Would you like to make a second exception?"

"Yes, actually I would, Kakashi," Iruka replied, smiling that same small sad smile at him.

Kakashi hadn't expected that, and now that he'd said it, he sort of regretted making the invitation. He'd be better off getting himself out of this person's life and letting Tsunade sort things out. But last night he had let Iruka see his face, and he still wasn't sure exactly why, and surely another night wouldn't hurt anyway. Maybe Iruka would drop a hint that would help Kakashi help him, or maybe once they'd had sex again Kakashi would be bored of him and stop wondering what the hell was going on.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Later, thinking about it, Kakashi knew the exact moment when he'd lost control. Iruka was on top, riding him, his head thrown back in ecstasy, beyond the pain, pounding himself down onto Kakashi's cock harder with each movement as if trying to break himself in half. It was too much, far too intense, and Kakashi was about to tell him to slow down, because he knew the man had to be bleeding. But when he opened his mouth to say something, Iruka looked down at him with a strange impassive expression, much like one Kakashi himself would make, and something in Kakashi's mind just broke.

Before he knew it, he had flipped them over, had Iruka's back against the bed and was kissing him, and his left eye had a stream of tears coming down from it. Crybaby, some part of him said, before he realized with horror that his right eye, _his_ eye, was crying too. Both of his hands were tangled in dark locks, holding Iruka by only his hair as he kissed him. "Kakashi, what…?" Iruka started to ask when he finally got a chance to catch his breath, but Kakashi shook his head as if to say _Don't ask_, and Iruka didn't.

He'd slid out when he flipped them, but every part of his body was pressed against Iruka's and he could feel his need, not just in the hardness of his flesh but in the small desperate movements he was making, the smell of him, the flush, every part of Iruka burning with need still. Kakashi reached down with a hand and touched him, and came away with blood as he expected, and held his hand up so Iruka could see. The other man's eyes grew wide, but he said, "Please, don't stop," and Kakashi couldn't stop now if he wanted, not with the plea in that voice, but he was gentle, kissing Iruka and resheathing himself ever so carefully. His mind wasn't there, wasn't working, but his body knew the rhythm of the pounding heart, and carried it, his misty eyes closing.

When he was fully aware again, Kakashi found Iruka was kissing the tears off his face, and at some point he had come and not even realized it, and Iruka was holding him close enough that he couldn't tell for a moment which body was his own. "I'm sorry," was all he could say, not sure what exactly had happened.

"Come on, let's get cleaned up," Iruka said gently, as if Kakashi were the one who'd been hurt and not himself. As if perhaps he realized that in a day or two he wouldn't hurt anymore, but whatever had broken inside Kakashi might not heal.

Iruka ignored the red tint to the water as it ran over him, holding Kakashi up in the shower when it seemed the man would fall, not letting himself think too hard about why the Jounin had freaked out on him but simply accepting that it had happened and taking care of him because he seemed to need it. He was glad they hadn't gone to Kakashi's tonight, as he changed his bedding and then tucked the man into his bed, then wrapped himself around him.

Kakashi woke to light, the sunlight creeping in the window early in the morning. He looked over just in time to see the man next to him illuminated, his caramel skin radiant in the sunlight, his muscles rippling under the skin as he stretched reflexively in the sun. Then Iruka's eyes opened, and he winced. "Can I get you something?" asked Kakashi.

"No thanks," said Iruka, moving to get up. Then he gasped, and fell back onto the bed. "On second thought, there are painkillers in the medicine chest in the bathroom, and some water would be good." Kakashi nodded and rolled off the bed, padding naked down the hallway.

Nothing was said as Kakashi rejoined him in the bed, handing over the requested items and then propping himself on his elbow facing Iruka. "I'm sorry," he said simply.

Iruka laughed. "If you're apologizing for hurting me, I'll remind you I did that myself." Then he paused. "The rest of it, we don't have to talk about unless you want to." His dark eyes were kind, but once again his smile was sad.

"Why did you tell me you were going to die?" Kakashi asked bluntly, not caring how rude he sounded in the face of Iruka's politeness.

Iruka sighed, rubbing his eyes. "It's too early for this. I hurt, and it's my own damn fault, and you're way too involved with me, and that's my fault too. I should have known better." He moved as if to get up again, and Kakashi rolled over and pinned him. He showed no fear, merely relaxed and let himself be trapped.

"Please," said Kakashi, his pleading tone contrasting sharply with his aggressive actions. "I won't be right again until you tell me. I have to know what's going on, so I can accept there's nothing I can do."

"Do? Why would you need to do anything? You did what I wanted from you. I don't need you to save me," said Iruka, his voice tired.

Kakashi spoke without thinking first. "I need you to save me." After he'd said the words, he wasn't sure what they meant, but he was sure he felt tears in his Sharingan eye again.

Iruka kissed him then, harshly, with a strange lack of passion. "How exactly is it you want me to save you? All I've given you is my body, how is that going to save you from yourself?" The man above him looked stricken, but didn't budge, merely staring down at Iruka with wide mismatched eyes. Iruka sighed, turning his head. "Everyone dies, Kakashi."

A bitter laugh, and then, "Do you think you need to teach me that, Iruka-_sensei_? Just how many of my loved ones have you seen walking around lately?" Kakashi's voice was cold, and the grip he had on Iruka tightened. "Everyone dies, but not everyone comes up to a guy that likes him, that would love to be his friend, and proclaims that he's going to die, then refuses to explain. Everyone dies, but not everyone drags someone into their life at the last minute just to make them mourn him. Everyone would mourn you, Iruka, you didn't need me too. I have enough ghosts already." With that, Kakashi let go, rapidly formed hand signs, and disappeared, not even bothering to dress or gather his things.

At his own home, Kakashi showered for a long time, as if to wash off the entire ordeal. When that didn't make him feel better, he got dressed and went off to train, figuring that would clear his head even if he technically shouldn't be doing it. By the time he arrived home again, darkness had fallen, he was swaying on his feet and the world was starting to turn black, but he wasn't thinking about morbid Chuunin teachers.

Until he saw the basket on his porch, which held not only the items he'd left behind at Iruka's place, but on top a small bouquet of purple hyacinth. Kakashi sighed and picked up the basket, bringing it in with him, then sat staring at the flowers for a long time. It had been a long time since Kakashi had read anything about the language of flowers, but he remembered the meaning of these: I'm sorry. He carefully put them in a vase and left them sitting on his kitchen table as he fixed himself the first meal he'd actually gotten around to eating that day, and then carried them to his bedroom and put them on the nightstand when he went to bed.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The message came in the middle of the night, and the ANBU who carried it seemed agitated. That in itself was enough to make Kakashi uneasy. The scroll said simply that he had been assigned a mission and was to report to the Hokage immediately. He hadn't expected to be back on missions quite yet, but obviously with the timing and delivery method, this one was urgent.

When he arrived at Tsunade's office, the guards at the door ushered him in impassively, but when he entered, Tsunade glowered at him from her chair. "Sit down, Hatake, we have to talk," she said. He sat without making any reply, giving her his best lazy, bored look. Another person was in the room, he realized suddenly, as he felt the presence behind him. He looked back to see Iruka leaning against a wall, obviously trying too hard to look unconcerned.

"You have been requested to backup Umino on a mission, but I'm not particularly happy about granting the request. It is a mission that would be far better done by a single shinobi, and Umino Iruka is the only man who can actually do the job. Yet, for some reason of his own he has decided he cannot complete his assigned mission, and therefore requested your help."

Kakashi carefully kept his eyes on Tsunade, ignoring the nervousness obvious in the figure behind him. "I am your shinobi, Hokage-sama, and I serve as you wish," he said formally.

"Cut the bullshit, Kakashi. Iruka-sensei has been assigned a mission of great importance, and he will not fail, whatever the cost. I'm sending you with him to help him get back to Konoha if he has any problems, but if you set foot beyond the boundaries of your assigned post, or act outside of your mission parameters, I'll make you regret it. I'm only sending you because Iruka-sensei is important to me, and he seems to think it necessary. Don't fuck this up, either of you." She turned to Iruka, then stood and actually walked over to lay a hand gently on his arm.

"Iruka-kun, you know I wouldn't send you on any mission I didn't feel you could handle. My sensei trusted you, and I trust you as well. I trust you so much that I have gone against everything common sense tells me and complied with your request in terms of this mission. Don't make me regret it." Iruka nodded, and she let her hand drop away from him. "Now get out. You have the information for Kakashi, and don't forget that his mission parameters are different from your own. He's there to help you if you have to use him, but if you fail because of his presence, you will be the one to pay for it."

The two shinobi bowed in unison, and Iruka said, "I will do my best, Hokage-sama, and I am deeply grateful for your trust in me."

A couple of minutes later they were standing together in the hallway, and Kakashi was looking at Iruka questioningly. Sighing, Iruka said, "Come on, let's go to my place, and I'll explain the mission to you. We should really leave sometime in the morning, but there's a lot to go over before then." His voice dropped a bit, and he added. "You said that you wanted to help me, and I am giving you a chance."

Kakashi smiled at the other man, and said, "Thank you," and soon they were walking silently together through the streets of Konoha.

A short time later, he was far less sure about the situation. They were sitting on cushions at a low table in Iruka's living room, and Iruka had scrolls and maps spread out on the table. He had made tea, and Kakashi had actually taken off his mask to drink. It didn't seem to matter anymore, in Iruka's presence. "This is where I'm going, this village. It's not a hidden village, but there are quite a few shinobi there, mostly missing-nin from the various villages, but also quite a few who are there on holiday or are retired. It's pretty much a din of vice, if you want to know, but you're not really going in anyway. I have a specific target inside the city I have to neutralize, but it has to be done in such a way that I get the proper information from him, without having to bring him out to be interrogated. I have to be able to do all this without getting caught by either whatever companions the target has but also not catching the attention of anyone else dangerous, and if there are any ex-leaf here, they might try to kill me on sight. That's why they can't send in any of the Jounin actually, because you're all in everyone's bingo books and will be immediately attacked."

"Why not ANBU then?" asked Kakashi.

Iruka looked up at him, then shook his head sadly. "They've tried actually, and no one has come back. There's simply too much paranoia, and anyone with that sort of chakra level and obvious skill is going to stand out. The best way to get lost here is to be mediocre, and once I get in to see the target, it won't matter anyway, because he trusts me implicitly."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Let me get this straight. Tsunade is sending a Chuunin schoolteacher on a mission that should be S-rank that several ANBU have failed at? And you expect this target to trust you to the point of simply giving you the information you need and letting you kill him?"

Iruka nodded. "I know it sounds farfetched. That's why I told you I expected to die. I know I can get the information, and I can make the kill, but it's getting out and getting back to Konoha that is the issue. I have a backup plan for getting the information out if I die, so that's not even an issue. It's just a matter of getting out…" Then he paused, and a sadness came over him. "I wasn't sure I wanted to survive this mission, to be honest, but you've convinced me that I have to at least try."

Kakashi reached out and placed his hand over Iruka's, where it rested on a scroll. "I'll do anything I can to be sure you survive, and whatever it is that makes you not want to, I'll do anything I can to help you face it."

Iruka looked down to where their hands touched for a moment, and then slowly pulled his out from under the large pale one that covered it. "Don't get me wrong, Kakashi. I said I'd let you help me, that doesn't mean I want anything more from you. Don't treat me like I am something to you that I am not."

It hurt, more than it should have, but Kakashi merely shrugged. "Very well, Iruka-sensei, we'll be professional about this. I am still Hatake Kakashi, however, and I will do anything I can to see you out of this alive, because I do not desert a comrade."

Iruka smiled at him then, a brilliant smile, and said lightly, "You are starting to make me realize while Naruto looks up to you, bad habits notwithstanding."

The words surprised Kakashi a little, but he didn't have a chance to remark on them before Iruka was back into mission planning mode. By the time they were finished with that, it was nearly morning, and Kakashi was starting to feel the effects of having been woken up in the middle of the night on top of his day's training. Iruka noticed, and sent him off to sleep alone for a little while in Iruka's bed, while Iruka worked on getting things ready for their departure. He felt much better when he was awakened, and went off to his own place to gather his supplies before they left.

It was almost evening by the time they came into sight of their destination. The travel had been strange, because little words passed between the two men, and Iruka moved at a slower pace than Kakashi was accustomed to when working by himself or with others at his level. It reminded Kakashi again that this mission was madness, and again he wondered what it was about Iruka that made him the person for the job.

Once they were in sight of the village, he was even more worried. "Remember," said Iruka, "you are not to go beyond these gates. I have to get in and out on my own, but once I'm back, you're free to take out anyone chasing me. You'll receive a message from me once I have the information, and if I'm not out by sunrise, I'm not coming. You are not allowed to investigate, no matter what happens." Kakashi wanted to argue, but Iruka shook his head. "It was the only way Tsunade would let you come at all."

Kakashi sighed. "You should have asked for someone else to back you up. Abandoning a comrade is not something I can do. If you don't come out, I'm coming in to find out what happened at least."

"If you do so, it's on your own head," Iruka said with a shrug. Then, to Kakashi's surprise, he grabbed the front of Kakashi's vest and pulled him into a kiss. It was a deep, passionate kiss, with none of the harshness of the last one they had shared. "Thank you, for caring about me, no matter what happens," said Iruka. Then he was gone, hopping off through the remaining forest cover in a burst of speed and chakra, and all Kakashi could do was wait.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

The hours fell away from the present into the past with agonizing slowness, and every moment Kakashi was watching for any sign of his partner. Every time someone came into sight, he drew in his breath as if waiting to see if it would be Iruka, if Iruka was going to come within his reach. He had to, Kakashi decided, he couldn't become just another name on the Memorial for him to trace during his morning visit. Not this man, this vibrant schoolteacher with all his mood swings, courage, and capacity for love. Perhaps not love for Kakashi, but love for life and for his fellow human being nonetheless.

He received the message via a modified teleportation jutsu a couple of hours before sunrise, a single scroll that merely dropped out of the sky and landed on him. It wasn't in his mission parameters to open and read it, so he carefully tucked it away, sure that Iruka wouldn't have written anything personal in it anyway. The man was far too professional for that.

When sunrise came and the Chuunin hadn't returned, Kakashi let out the breath he had been holding. It took all of a second to make the decision, and then he was summoning the dog, giving him orders to track Iruka. "You're going to have to get downwind of me, because you smell like him," the dog pointed out, and Kakashi sniffed himself and smiled a smile he imagined would look a lot like the sad one he'd seen on Iruka's face recently.

The tracking part was easy, but the staying out of sight part was a bit more difficult. Iruka hadn't been exaggerating about the number of shinobi in this village, which did indeed seem a din of vice. Kakashi wondered for a moment how these people managed to operate within the borders of the Fire Country without being wiped out, but he supposed destroying this village would likely have just given rise to others like it. Sometimes leaving such things alone and learning how to avoid and/or use them was the most politically advantageous way to deal with them, sadly.

The building at the end of the scent trail was a small one, a simple house that would have been unremarkable pretty much anywhere. He couldn't hear any signs of life, but when he looked with his Sharingan eye, he could see traces of chakra, as if indeed there had been a fight here between shinobi.

Inside, there was carnage. In the entryway, there were four dead men. They were all facing inside the house, as if the threat had come at them from inside rather than outside. The first two seemed to have died without much of a struggle… one with a slit throat and a second with a kunai in his chest. The other two had obviously fought, and one held a naked, bloody sword still in his hand. He was surprised to see that the sword-wielder wore a leaf hitae-ate with the symbol crossed out, and even more surprised when he realized he had known this man, had fought at his side before years ago in ANBU.

The smell of death was overwhelming, and something inside Kakashi was telling him that he should have stuck to the mission, should have left and gotten away without seeing whatever Iruka's fate had been. Surely he could not have taken out these men and then lived, or he would have returned.

Instead of bolting like he wanted to, the seasoned shinobi cut off the fear inside him and opened the door to the inner room. It was a small rough place, obviously built for a single occupant, or maybe a tiny family if they were very poor. Scattered around the room were signs of occupation by far too many people than truly fit… bedrolls and belongings sort of jammed into any available area. And there, in the center of the mess, a single man folded over a corpse, covered in blood and sobbing silently.

"Iruka?" said Kakashi softly, carefully taking a step into the room. He didn't dare just go up and touch the man, however much he wanted to just fold him in his arms and carry him away.

Iruka sat up and looked at Kakashi numbly, revealing the face of the corpse he had been huddled over. Kakashi drew in a deep breath, because the boy couldn't have been older than twelve, and he wore a leaf headband with the symbol crossed out, in the typical style of missing-nin. "He trusted me," said Iruka softly, his sobbing suddenly ceasing. "I told him that I had deserted too, because I was tired of seeing my students sent away to die, tired of training them up only to be used and exploited for the prosperity of the village. He gave me the information he had stolen readily, died without a struggle."

Suddenly all the pieces clicked into place for Kakashi, and for a moment he hated Tsunade, hated Konoha, hated everything being a shinobi meant. Iruka had been sent to kill a boy who had been his student, had been forced to snuff out a life he not only cherished but had nurtured and protected. "I'm sorry," was all Kakashi could think to say. Then he took a few steps towards Iruka. "I'm sorry, but you have to come with me. I won't let you die here, as much as I know it hurts you. I'm sorry."

Iruka shook his head, leaning down to lovingly remove the marred headband from the boy's head, and kiss the cold flesh of his forehead. "I didn't want to succeed. I had to succeed, because the information he stole was too sensitive, couldn't be allowed to get out. But I didn't want to come back. I wanted those men in the hallway to kill me, but I fought, because you were waiting for me. And then, I came back for one last look, and I couldn't go." He reached down to touch his side, where a wound was bleeding, and Kakashi guessed the sword-wielding ex-ANBU had created this wound. "I might not make it anyway, and I hoped you would follow your orders and leave me to die here. I can't live with this."

Kakashi took a few more steps, until he was standing just outside of Iruka's reach. "You know my nature. You would not have asked for me, if you truly wanted someone to let you die."

The other shinobi let out a heart wrenching cry, and then turned to look up at Kakashi, his face blank. "Very well, Kakashi-san, we will go."

And he simply stood, dropping the piece of cloth and metal from his hand, and walked towards Kakashi. He said nothing as Kakashi lifted him, nothing as he was carried back to the place outside the village where Kakashi had been waiting for him. He sat patiently while Kakashi bandaged his wounds and performed a simple healing jutsu, not enough to truly heal the wounds, but enough to keep him alive until they reached Konoha.

During the silent journey home, Kakashi's mind worked. He knew that Iruka's sudden change in behavior wasn't a good sign at all, and he knew that it was likely the aftermath of this mission was going to be worse than the mission itself. How long Iruka was going to struggle with this, was going to feel the guilt… he knew those things because Obito was dead, because Sasuke was still renegade, because his own darkness threatened to engulf him each and every day. He knew, as perhaps very few people could possibly know, what it was Iruka was having to face.

He shouldered his way directly into Tsunade's office, the ANBU guarding it parting for him instantly. He knew his emotions must be easily apparent to anyone, his fear over losing Iruka burning in his single visible eye, his desperation like a cloud around him. The Hokage took one look at the blood-spattered, empty-eyed face of one of the kindest people she knew, and whispered, "What have I done?" Then she was taking him away from Kakashi, and the silver-haired man could do nothing but watch. "I tried to treat him," he said lamely, as if Tsunade couldn't tell he'd used the little healing he'd known on the man.

"Thank you for bringing him back, but you need to go," said Tsunade, working frantically even as she spoke. Shizune spoke quietly to one of the ANBU outside the door, and she came in and took Kakashi's arm, steering him away. Kakashi knew the woman behind the mask, had fought at her side more times than he could count, and merely allowed himself to be led.

The ANBU silently accompanied him to his own house, speaking for only a moment once they arrived. "If I hear anything at all, I will let you know, whatever the orders are," she said softly, almost inaudibly. Then she was gone, making her way back to her post quickly.

Then there was nothing left for him to do, for the report should only go to Tsunade, who was even now busy trying to save Iruka's life. So Kakashi merely peeled off his clothes, noting that they were saturated with the blood of the man he'd carried back to Konoha, showered briefly, and then threw himself on his bed, staring at the violet flowers on his nightstand as if they might hold some sort of answer for him, as if they might speak to him about why the life of a shinobi must always be one of regret.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

He had slept for much longer than he intended, and he woke to the smell of old blood on the clothing he'd shed when he came home. Sighing, he went to take care of the mess, pausing for just a moment again to look at the flowers on his nightstand. It took longer than it should have to clean up, get dressed in a fresh uniform, and eat something. He felt exhausted even though he hadn't had to fight, hadn't done anything but carry the Chuunin back to Konoha half-dead and wishing for the other half. This tiredness he felt was one of heart and spirit.

Kakashi stepped outside his door to find bright sunlight, and wondered why he hadn't been called for yet. His ANBU friend had told him that she would inform him when any information about Iruka's condition came out, so obviously he hadn't taken a major turn for the worse or anything. But Tsunade still hadn't called upon him to report, which meant she was still treating Iruka. He found himself heading towards the hospital, then had a sudden thought and went by the flower shop beforehand. "I need help," he said to the blonde girl behind the counter. She looked vaguely familiar, and after a moment he realized she was the girl who was both Sakura's rival and her friend.

The girl looked up at him, surprised. "Okay… what can I get for you?"

"I need a flower that says a specific thing…" He floundered for a second, suddenly unsure, until his eyes fell on the perfect thing. "Never mind. Just give me those snowdrops."

The girl looked from him to the flowers, then smiled softly. "Hope."

Kakashi nodded. "I knew a girl who loved snowdrops once, and she told me they gave her hope through adversity, and promised the end to sorrow, because spring always comes, no matter how long the winter lasts. Snowdrops will do just fine."

The thin blonde ran up his purchase without saying a word, but after he left she sat for a while wondering who it was Kakashi wanted to offer hope to, and what Sakura would think if she saw her oddball ex-sensei doing something like buying flowers.

He wasn't surprised when the nurse on duty told him that he wouldn't be allowed in Iruka's room, but accepted gratefully her offer to take the flowers to him and thanked her politely. Then he prowled around the hospital for a bit, hoping to run into someone he knew who would actually speak to him. As luck would have it, he spotted Sakura, her pink hair a beacon from far down the hallway. "Sakura-chan, wait!" he called out, realizing for an embarrassing second that he rather sounded like Naruto.

"Kakashi-sensei?" she said quizzically, turning.

Kakashi wasn't sure how to ask, now that he'd found her, so he tried to play it cool, sticking his hands in his pockets and slouching. "Maa, I was on a mission with Iruka-sensei, and brought him in wounded, and I was wondering how he was. I know we don't really get along, but I know he means a lot to you kids, especially Naruto, so I was worried."

Sakura's eyes softened. "Iruka-sensei is going to be okay, we think, but…" She paused, unsure how much to give away.

"I was on the mission, Sakura-chan. I know he's upset, and I know why, so you don't have to worry about telling me anything classified. I just wanted to know how he's doing." Kakashi reassured.

Sakura nodded, and her eyes glimmered with unshed tears. "He's awake now, but he doesn't want to talk to anyone. My master won't leave his side, even now that he's stabilized physically. She feels guilty for sending him on the mission, but it was all she could do."

Kakashi nodded. "If you get to speak to him, if he'll listen, tell him I came to see him, okay?" He reached up to scratch at the back of his head awkwardly.

The gesture did not go unnoticed, and interest sparked in Sakura's eyes. Obviously he'd gone too far in asking her to relay a message, because now she knew that he wasn't just concerned because of their common students. Kakashi beat a hasty retreat, hoping that Sakura and her friend/rival didn't get together and have a little gossip session, because between the flowers and the visit it would look rather suspicious on his part.

It was on the way out of the hospital that he was apprehended by Tsunade, who had apparently finally pried herself away from Iruka's side. "Hatake, my office, now," she said, then disappeared.

Kakashi was half-tempted to dawdle, to walk instead of using the teleportation jutsu, stop by the Memorial stone for his usual pity-party, but the feel of the scroll in his vest pocket reminded him that important things were at stake. Something important enough that Iruka would not only give his life if necessary, but go against his own nature and break his own spirit. So he teleported into the Hokage tower after Tsunade.

When he entered her office, she was sitting behind her desk, and the hand she waved at him showed wrinkles that he couldn't normally see without his Sharingan. "Sit down, Kakashi, I don't feel up to the formalities today," she said, her amber eyes red with tears or exhaustion, or perhaps both. "He's going to live, if he'll let himself," she said softly.

Kakashi nodded, "Sakura told me as much. Thank you for your efforts."

The Hokage snorted. "I didn't save him for you, brat. He's one of my best shinobi, and one of my favorite human beings for that matter. And Naruto loves him, which speaks volumes of his worth in my eyes." She sighed. "I know you're angry at me, but if it helps any… I expected you to save him. I ordered you to do nothing because it made the best tactical sense, but if I had really wanted someone to do nothing… I wouldn't have agreed to Iruka's request to send you."

Kakashi said nothing, because while it should have helped his anger at her, it didn't really. He shrugged as if it didn't matter, pulled the scroll out of his vest, and handed it to her wordlessly. She took it, and he felt the dry scrape of her hand on his, reminding him again how hard she had worked to save Iruka's life. Silently, he waited while she read, and when she looked up as if waiting for him to speak, he did so. "I don't know Iruka's side of the story. I know what I saw. An ANBU Leaf missing-nin, a Rock, and two others who wore no markings, all dead. The Leaf was the one who made that wound, I'm guessing, from the weapon he held. And Iruka, grieving over the body of a boy younger than Naruto, one I'm guessing was a Genin. Iruka-sensei didn't want to leave, wanted to be left to die, and said as much… before becoming suddenly unemotional and letting me take him away without any fight. Obviously he was in shock at that point, or mental distress beyond reasoning."

Tsunade nodded. "That's all then? The mission was successful, the information we needed was gained, and the threat was neutralized." She sighed, leaning back in her chair and pulling out a bottle, which she drank from without offering him any. "I know it seems excessive to go after a Genin who deserted so relentlessly, but he had fallen in with some other missing-nin with some big plans, and there was no other way to deal with it than to kill him."

Suddenly the world spun, because Kakashi's mind put one thing together with another and he felt as if he'd been struck by lightning. "How is it that Sasuke can desert to go to Orochimaru, and you send out a team to retrieve him, and Naruto work towards that for all this time, but this boy dies at the hands of his own teacher? What makes the situation different, makes one traitor redeemable while another is not? What makes it okay to break a man for the safety of this village? Many men have been broken for the safety of this village, I know, but this man… you _knew _what this would do to him, you had to know!"

Tsunade took another long pull from her bottle, and then turned away from Kakashi, gesturing to the pictures of the past Hokages that hung on her wall. "You see my grandfather up there, and my great-uncle, and my beloved sensei, and the heroic Fourth? Can you imagine the things they did to protect this village, over the years? The sacrifices they made, not just of themselves, but of their loved ones and subordinates and families? Sarutobi-sensei said that everyone in the village was his family, and yet he readily sent people out every day on missions that could end their lives, destroy their minds and bodies and spirits. Do you think I don't know what I am? Do you think for a minute that because I don't spend my whole day standing in front of that stone that I do not know every name etched on it?"

Kakashi's own eye widened, and he could feel the stream of tears starting beneath his hitae-ate. "I am sorry, Tsunade-sama," he said softly, standing and bowing low to her.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, you're sorry, we're all sorry, and Iruka-sensei is sitting in his hospital room staring blankly at a wall, as he has been since he woke up. I've talked to him until I ran out of words, and he doesn't respond to me." She paused, suddenly regaining a bit of her youthful appearance with a grin. "So, do you think you'll do any good if you go talk to him?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I don't think I can do any harm at this point. He's made it quite clear that he's none too happy with me at the moment, but… I think I understand him better than a lot of people would, and I want to help him, even if he resents me for it later."

The Hokage nodded. "Go speak to him, Kakashi. I'll make sure they know you're allowed in." She took another slug off her bottle. "Please bring him back to us."

Kakashi laughed then, a sad bitter sound. "I'm not saving him for you," he quipped, faking a smile with his eye that he knew she wouldn't fall for. Then he was gone, off to more important pursuits, the only important pursuit he could think of at the moment: finding what was left of Iruka-sensei in the shell he'd brought home with him.


	7. Chapter 7

Defiance: Chapter Seven

The silver-haired shinobi slipped into the room silently, as if he were on a stealth mission rather than a visit. It took only a second for him to realize it didn't matter: he could have brought a flowery-speaking Gai, chattering Anko, and yelling Tsunade with him, and he bet the young man sitting up in the hospital bed wouldn't have noticed. There was an odd ashen tint to his dark skin, and his dark eyes still held that lifeless expression in them. Kakashi was tempted to touch Iruka, to go up to him and wrap his arms around him, but instead he lowered himself into the chair Tsunade had left sitting by the bed and merely watched for a while.

An hour went by without a movement from either man, and then suddenly those cold dark eyes turned on Kakashi. "Didn't you come here to save me? To tell me how the world isn't as bad as I think it is, or I should be so down on myself, or someday it will hurt less?"

The other man shook his head. "I can't do any of that. The world is a bad place, with bad people in it, and good people who have to do bad things for reasons that are sometimes neither good nor bad." He held a hand up to tap the hitae-ate over his left eye. "No matter what we do, someone suffers. We can follow our village's rules, or our own rules, or someone else's, and someone comes out on the losing end no matter what. You could have told Tsunade to stuff it when she gave you the mission, and she would have thrown more ANBU at the problem until perhaps they succeeded, and some would have died, and maybe others as well because of the information that boy had. And he still would have died. You could have deserted as you claimed you did, and tried to protect him, and who knows what would have happened? You could have died, and then what would that have done to Naruto, and Konohamaru, and any number of other students or ex-students of yours who depend on you? We can't know what would have happened if we chose differently, but we imagine anyway, and second-guess ourselves."

Iruka just sat staring at Kakashi for a bit after his speech ended, and then he sighed. "I keep seeing his face. His name was Teika, and he was good with a sword, and he liked to eat sweets. His favorite color was green, and he had a crush on the girl that sat next to him when he was in the Academy. He's dead, and I killed him, and he was happy to see me when I walked in the door, thinking I had come to join him."

Kakashi nodded, but said nothing, because there was nothing to say. "Do you really think I can live with this, teach as if nothing happened, do paperwork, take Naruto for ramen when he comes back, look him in the eyes knowing what I have done?" Iruka asked finally.

"As if nothing had happened? No. It will always be a part of you, you will always feel the regret, the pain of it. Those things don't just fade away, however much people try to tell us they do. And when you face your other students, you're going to be thinking about what if you have to do this again, what if they grow up to be traitors, what if they use what you have taught them to harm their fellow Leaf shinobi. But you will learn to see each one for who they are again soon, because that is what you are good at." Kakashi paused then, and his single visible eye fixed Iruka with a glare. "Can you look Naruto in the eyes? You can, and you will. Because that's your responsibility to him. You are the one who set yourself up to be his mentor, his father-figure, no one else. If you fail him, you will wish you had died far more than you do now."

Iruka shuddered, suddenly remembering exactly who it was that sat at his bedside, whose bed he had been shared recently. This man was more dangerous than he looked, could kill him instantly, had taken more lives than Iruka could imagine. "I thought you came here to make me feel better," he said softly, his eyes finally straying from Kakashi's face to land on the white flowers on the table near his bed.

"I didn't come here to make you feel better, Iruka-sensei. I didn't come here _just_ because I like you, because I wanted to be your friend for a while now, and find myself wishing I could be something more to you. I came here to save you, and while that sounds like a nice sentiment, it's not always a pleasant thing. The scalpel hurts as much or more than the sword." Kakashi stood, turning his back to the man on the bed. "I don't have anything else I can say that I think would be of any use to you, so I can leave now if you'd like."

"Yes, please go," said Iruka quietly, but then added. "Thank you, Kakashi-san."

The title sent a jolt of pain through Kakashi, worse than any he'd felt in a long while. That single syllable spoke volumes to him about the likelihood that he'd be invited back to see Iruka again, the likelihood of the teacher ever allowing him into his life. He turned back slowly, reached out, and carefully laid his hand over Iruka's, the same gesture Iruka had protested before this mission. Iruka didn't move, but looking down into the teacher's eyes, Kakashi knew that his failure to protest was a matter of simple kindness and gratitude. "You know where to find me if you change your mind," said Kakashi gently, then gathered his courage and leaned forward to steal a kiss from the other man's lips.

"Thank you, Kakashi-san," said Iruka again, a little more forcefully this time. And Kakashi left, as suddenly and silently as he had arrived.

A young dark-haired Chuunin with a ponytail ran down the streets of Konoha, chasing a goggles-wearing boy from whose hands dangled a paintbrush, shouting at the top of his lungs. The boy was far enough ahead that he wasn't particularly worried, and turned his head to laugh at his teacher. Doing so was a mistake, because he bumped headlong into a figure in front of him… who happened to be his teacher, the clever Chuunin having left a clone behind chasing the boy while he maneuvered himself in front.

"Konohamaru, you will give me that paintbrush, you will come back to class, and you will apologize to the little girl whose face you painted on," the stern Iruka-sensei said.

The boy tried to bolt, and Iruka grabbed him. Konohamaru gave up the struggle and went limp in his arms, and for a brief moment his sensei saw another face, from almost a year ago, a boy who had gone limp in his arms and then never moved again. Then his vision lighted on the goggles sitting skewed across Konohamaru's head, and the face changed again, this time to that of a blonde boy with whisker-like marks. At this the teacher smiled, a grim smile of defiance and determination, and he spoke quietly to his student, "Come on, let's get back to class and get this taken care of, so we can all go play."

From the top of a nearby building, a silent figure watched the exchange, read the emotions playing across the tanned, scarred face, and smiled with pride and affection. The watcher jumped off the roof and lightly landed beside the teacher, falling into step with him silently, and the teacher turned to look at him.

"Good afternoon, Kakashi-san," he said politely. "I'm just on my way back to class with this young rascal."

"I hope you don't mind if I walk with you, Iruka-sensei, I was just headed in that direction," Kakashi replied, just as politely.

"No, I don't mind at all," the teacher replied. He paused, keeping a hand on his student's shoulder to ensure he didn't bolt, and turned to look at Kakashi. "In fact, I was hoping to run into you. I left you something just today…"

Kakashi nodded, smiling gently. "Thank you, Iruka-sensei. I appreciate your kindness. I haven't been home yet… "

They walked on in silence, and then they reached the Academy, went their separate ways with a casual wave. As soon as the two figures disappeared into the school, however, Kakashi made hand signs and reappeared on his doorstep, anxious to see what he would find there.

For months he had occasionally been leaving flowers for Iruka, snowdrops at first, and then other flowers with hopeful meanings, marigolds for comfort, chamomile for patience, yellow roses for the friendship he hoped to somehow build between them. He had bought entire books on the meanings of flowers, so he might speak eloquently to Iruka in a way that would not cause Iruka to feel he had to answer, wouldn't make him stand there awkwardly and blush and try to come up with words. They'd never spoken aloud of these gifts, not once in all these months, and they greeted each other politely and distantly when they met.

But today, on his doorstep Kakashi found a bright bouquet of striped pink carnations, a beautiful, gentle, refusal. Smiling, he brought them in and carefully put them in water, because he too could be defiant in the face of a fate beyond his control, and tomorrow he was going to take a chance on something, and send red roses anyway.

Note: No, I'm not continuing this. It's not supposed to be a happy ending, or a concrete one.


End file.
